UNTITLED
by AthenaPersephone14
Summary: A mockery of the fifth PJO book. Please review!
1. Beckendorf becomes a Hairdresser

The end of the world began when Paul's Prius blew up. I was driving along the beach with my mortal friend Rachel when it just suddenly exploded. Weird.

But before that, she had been in the middle of asking if I wanted to go with her and her parents to St. Thomas for a vacation. My answer? Of course! Who could say no to sunny beaches, perfect weather, and *sigh* the ocean? I know I couldn't.

But before I could answer Rachel about the St. Thomas thing,

Paul's Prius exploded. I was thrown one direction and my friend the other.

When I got up from the sand, I noticed Blackjack with Beckendorf on his back flying above the wreckage. Both looked shocked and Beckendorf had his hands cupped around empty air.

But then my Pegasus began to laugh nervously as Rachel staggered out of the ocean. Blackjack's nervous giggle turned into a real, loud laugh when he actually saw the teen. He was chortling so hard that Beckendorf tumbled off his back and into a nearby sand dune.

It turned out that the pile of sand was home to a little but ferocious crab which angrily bit my friend.

"OWWWW!!!!" Beckendorf began a kind of strange dance in an effort to get rid of the crab that was clinging to his knee.

Now _I_ was laughing, and my laughter only increased when saw Rachel. Her beautiful red locks, including her eyebrows, had been burned off in the explosion. All that remained was an inch-in-diameter circle of hair right in the middle of her head.

It wasn't long before Beckendorf was laughing as well. "What?" asked my mortal friend. She looked pretty confused. "Hair" Beckendorf managed to choke out

"Hu-" Rachel began but then her hands flew to her head. "AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE'S MY HAIR!!!"

"Rachael-" I began but was cut off. " I'M RUINED!!!! RUINED!!! NOW I CAN'T BE ON PARIS HILTON'S NEW BFF!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?!?!" With that shouted she marched over to Beckendorf and (again) began to yell, only this time in his ear. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!! YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!!!" The next thing Rachel did was pretty surprising: she punched him.

Then she tried, with dignity, (which would be pretty hard considering what she looked like) to turn around and walk away, but instead she fell on her butt on the beach bucket I left their last summer. Rachel got up, attempted to flip her remaining hair over her shoulder, and strode ungracefully down the beach.

**I hoped you liked it! Please review. If you have any title suggestions please tell me! Thanks!**


	2. I Celebrate my 13th birthday

**Hey everybody! Thanks The Poetic Nightmare and the Girl for your title suggestions! I really like them. Also, thank you Jake the Drake! And, Artemis' Lieutenant, thanks for telling me about my grammatical errors! Oh, and I don't own PJO. It belongs to Rick Riordan.**

"I mean all I did was accidentally drop a jar of Greek Fire on the car! It's not my fault she lost most of her hair!" "Uh…. Actually it is." I informed Beckendorf.

"Is not!"

"Is to!"

"Is not!"

"Is to!"

"Not!"

"To!"

"Not!"

"To!"

"Sorry to break up your little love fest, but we're here." Blackjack's words broke up our pointless fight. It was time to do some damage.

"So you're sure this is the engine room?" I asked Beckendorf. "'Cause the last room you said was the engine room turned out to be the bathroom."

"I'm sure." Beckendorf answered me irritably. In answer, I pushed open the door.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" I jumped. The room was full of…food? I looked closer and also noticed a teapot, some puzzle pieces, a trombone, some really weird looking demigods, and…. Annabeth?

I was feeling pretty bewildered when Beckendorf nudged with his elbow. I looked at him questionably and he mouthed: _look at their eyes._ I was shocked when I did. Most of the eyes _weren't human._ I realized that the teapot, the trombone, and the other stuff were just a costume. It seemed that a bunch of Kronos's demigods and monsters had dressed up, but why?

"It's the birthday boy! I love your costume! It looks sooo realistic!" All these different voices sounded at once. It took a little while for Beckendorf and I to figure out what was going on but we finally did. It turns out that today is Wally the telkhine's thirteenth birthday and that his family and some other monsters and demigods were throwing him a costume party. And they thought _I_ was Wally. Which meant I was stuck here.

20 min later.

"Ooohh! I wish _I_ had one those! Wally is _sooo_ lucky!" I sighed, pushing away the "Get rid of that Flipper Acne!" cream tube. So far I'd opened twenty-four of Wally's thirty-nine birthday presents and I was bored stiff. At least Beckendorf had gotten away. I reached for the next gift and opened it. It was anti-flee shampoo. Nice. I sighed again, only fifteen more to go.

Things were going great. The telkhine working in the engine room had been busy playing Dance Dance Revolution, so he hadn't noticed when Beckendorf had snuck in. Luck seemed to favoring Beckendorf, because the monster's game masked any sound that the demigod made.

"Yes! Level five hundred and two! I beat Alan's high score! There's a new Dance Dance Revolution champion and his name is Wally!" Beckendorf looked up from his work. The telkhine appeared to be doing some sort of victory dance. He turned around in a circle and his eyes got big when he saw Beckendorf.

"More! More! More!" I grabbed another fish and stuffed it into my already bulging mouth. Don't ask me how I got myself into a fish eating contest with Wally's great uncle Lemony. So far the old fart was beating me by three fish. I was shoving the eighteenth fish in my mouth when the cheers died down. It was quiet, eerily quiet.

KABOOM!

The second explosion that day threw me even farther than the first.


	3. The Rose Fairy Starts a Fight

**FYI: in this story Poseidon's son, Triton, is the son of Oceanus.**

I was having the weirdest dream ever. In it there were two titans fighting over something that was the shade of a rose. One of the titans was gold colored, but the other was garbed in ebony armor dotted with silver dots.

"I want to be the Rose Fairy in the play!" The gold one shouted.

"No I want to!" The dude with the black armor countered.

"I deserve the part! Plus I can sing better than you!"

"Not true!" The black titan was looking pretty mad now. "I got a standing ovation for my part as Christine in 'The Phantom of the Opera.'"

Just then the gold titan totally lost his temper and dove on the black one. The last thing I remember from my dream was one of the titans yelling: "But I'm prettier!"

I woke up; secretly hoping it was the black titan that got to play the Rose Fairy. I looked around the room I was in. I saw coral, seaweed, abalone, and fish. Where was I? Oh, yea, my dad's palace.

After the explosion, I'd been pretty weird. Meaning, I thought I was riding on a roller coaster. I must have been seriously worrying my dad because he sent some mermen up to get me. Then, when we reached his palace, he gave me some sort of blessing, which, thankfully, restored me back to my usual self.

Suddenly, Tyson burst into the room. "Percy, Daddy wants to talk with you. Say's it is very important." I was out of that room faster than a fish can swim. My dad wanted me? What was so important? I was going to find out.

"So let me get this straight: You were fighting against Oceanus, but losing, so you set up a contest in which whoever wins it also wins the war."

"Uh huh." My dad answered me.

"And it's a break dancing contest."

"Yup."

"And I'm the break dancer for your side."

"That's the plan." Great. My ability to break dance will decide the fate of the entire ocean. Just great.

I sighed. "Who am I up against?"

"Oceanus's son, Triton."

"That's not so bad."

"Ummm," my dad sounded uneasy, "actually it is. Triton holds the title of Undefeated Underwater Break Dancing Champion. He won it at the Underwater Winter Olympics last year…"

"What! How come made you it a break dancing contest if Oceanus's son is the Undefeated Underwater Break Dancing Champion?! What's wrong with you?!" My voice was now hoarse from screaming at the top of my lungs.

My dad's face was a cross between apologetic and an "I'm so stupid" look. "I'm sorry Percy. I honestly didn't know Triton was Undefeated Underwater Break Dancing Champion. I tried to challenge Oceanus to something I thought he wasn't good at. If I had known I would have challenged him to skinny dipping in a pool of piranhas."

"Yea, but… Wait, skinny dipping in a pool of piranhas?"

"My specialty. Learned it while attending the University of Piranha Skinny Dipping Fools, or UPSDF.

"Ummm… yea. Back to business. When does this competition begin?" I asked my dad. He glanced at his watch. "30 minutes."

Great. In thirty minutes I would decide the fate of the ocean by my nonexistent skill of break dancing.


	4. The Day of The Wonder Pets

It turns out that my dad had told everyone bout the competition and had even asked a few of them to make me a special break dancing outfit. The downside? Tyson was the designer, so I was kind of worried.

"Percy, just try the worm one more time, okay?" I gave Poseiodn a dirty look, and then attempted to do the worm _for_ _seventeenth_ time.

Ever since my dad told me about the extremely important, upcoming break dancing competition thirty minutes ago, I had been practicing like crazy. I could now halfway do the worm, twirl while on my knees, and almost spin on my back. The only thing I was _really_ good at was a surprise. I'd learned how to do last summer, but I never thought I'd actually need to use it, until now. And, I wasn't telling anybody what it was. They'd just have to wait and see.

"It's ready!" Tyson's voice rang through the nearly empty hall. I looked at what Tyson was holding in his arms and gasped. "Is that… is that?"

"Yes it is big brother." In his big hands, my half-brother was cradling a beautiful, rainbow Wonder Pets disco suit.

My eyes welled with tears as I reverently took it from him. "How did you know I've always loved Wonder Pets?"

For a moment Tyson looked a little ashamed. "Long story involving, Santa Claus, some rope, a tuba, Santa's Naughty List, and a tuna fish sandwich."

"After this competition you'll have to tell me all about it." I told Tyson.

"Sure thing!" He promised.

"Go try it on." My dad suggested warmly. I happily complied. And, to my delight, it fit me perfectly.

Just then a merman was ushered into the throne room. The words he said were the worst I'd ever heard- "It's time."

The ballroom was a box full of packing peanuts. Everywhere you went somebody was already their along with their whole family, all of their friends, and… you get the point. The only place that _wasn't_ full was the dance floor.

The crowd parted for me as I made my way to the place where the competition was going to be held. I thought I heard some muffled giggles, but it became as silent as a church when I reached my destination. The only sound that could be heard was my gasp of shock at who was on _Triton_'s disco suit.

"Dora? I should of known only you would where such a childish disco suit." I sneered at him.

"Oh yea? Well at least I don't have Turtle Tuck, Linny, Ming Ming, and 'What's Going To Work. TEAMWORK!' emblazoned across my chest! Talk about childish!"

"Oh _puh-leeze _you're just jealous. After all, the Wonder Pets get higher ratings then Dora, so who wouldn't be?"

"They do_ not._" Triton looked pretty ticked now. He looked like he had some more to say, but at that moment, Poseidon grabbed a mega phone away from some poor merman, and announced: "Thanks for coming out to this grand event. It makes me so happy to know that you support the TRUE God of the Sea, and not some no good, lousy…"

My dad didn't get to finish what he was saying because at that moment, an angry Oceanus snatched the mega phone away from him and thundered: "NO GOOD!?!?

LOUSY?!?! I'LL SHOW YOU NO GOOD AND LOUSY!!!"

What happened next was pretty funny. Oceanus dived on my dad, and they rolled across the floor, punching, kicking, and insulting each other. Cameras were flashing and I saw around twenty merpeople and an assortment of monsters each filming the spectacle.

When were finally broken apart, Oceanus was limping, had a cut above his eye, and was a bit winded. My dad, however, had several bruises and his hearing was a bit off, as I just now found out. "Are you all right?" I asked him. "You want to go shopping at Justice? Isn't that a girls' store? But hey, it's fine by me." He replied.

"No! I SAID: ARE YOU ALL RIGHT ?!"

"Yes. You don't need to shout."

I sighed, extremely exasperated. "Okay, so now that we've established that Poseidon has hearing problems and that Percy likes to shop at Justice, can we begin? Cause Tellietubbies is on in an hour and I don't want to miss it." This time it was Triton that had control mega phone.

"I think that's a great idea!" Oceanus bellowed. "So let the Break Dancing Competition begin!"

"EWWW, Apollo! Stop spitting popcorn out of your mouth! It's disgusting!" Aphrodite cried. All of the Olympians had gathered around Hephaestus's tiny TV to watch the competition.

"I personally think Percy should've had My Little Pony on his suit, not the Wonder Pets. That show is such a bore." Hera yawned as she said the last part. "You're only saying that because I came up with the idea for that show!" Ares yelled indignantly.

Thus, a fight broke out among the Olympians about which was better the

Wonder Pets or My Little Pony. Dionysus, Zeus, Aphrodite, and Hermes all sided with Hera. And, Demeter, Apollo, Artemis, Athena, and Hephaestus were on team Ares. His team was the victor. In later years, that day became known as The Day of the Wonder Pets.

I had to admit Triton was good. Really good. He did the worm like he'd been doing it his whole life. His backspins were perfect. And, the other stuff he did was just… wow. Triton flipped, twirled, spun, slid, and glided around on the floor. And, the worst part? The crowd loved him.

"TRITON! TRITON! WE LOVE TRITON!" echoed around the room. He ended his routine with an awesome back flip. Any Olympic gymnast would have been jealous.

"And that ladies and gentlemen was Triton! The Undefeated Underwater Break Dancing Champion! Lets give him a round of applause!" Triton's dad announced. "And up next is Percy Jackson, Son of Poseidon! Let's see if he can even compare to my son Triton, the Undefeated Underw-" "Yea, we get it!" I yelled at him. That wise remark was met by booing from several teenage mergirls, all wearing "We Love Triton! The Triton Fan Club" badges. Oh great so now he has his own fan club _and _he's a hunk! Just great.

With that thought still swimming around in my head, I walked out onto the floor and struck a random pose. Then the music started and I dropped to floor and tried to spin on my back. It didn't work and I was met with more booing. "This is going to be too easy!" I heard Triton mutter to Oceanus.

That comment made me pretty mad. I was not going to let Triton with his fan club and fancy awards beat me! So with renewed hope, I started to walk on my hands. I was half way across the floor when someone yelled: "That's not break dancing!" and threw an electric eel at me. I fell and the eel flew right past me and landed in Triton's open mouth!

His whole body went rigid as shocks of electricity shot through him, one after another. Then his dad spoiled the fun did the Heimlich on him. With a gasp, Triton coughed up the eel, a golden drachma, and…

"My wallet!" now it was my turn to gasp. I ran toward it and scooped it up, even though it was covered in spit. "How did it…?"

"Never mind! Just finish your routine!" Oceanus barked quickly. "Okay." I said, as I backed onto the floor. Time to win this thing.

I was running out of options. I had bombed on the worm and countless other break dance moves and I was running out of time.

"You have two more minutes!" Oceanus's glee made my stomach turn. I decided it was time to do my surprise move, so I dropped to the floor, started flopping around, and pretended to gasp for air. I was doing The Fish Out Of Water.

At first everyone was silent, but then they began to laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Then someone started chanting "Percy! Percy! We love Percy!" and it caught on pretty quickly. Soon everyone was chanting it, all except for Triton, Oceanus, and the President of Triton's fan club.

With that extra boost of confidence, and in the last thirty seconds, I jumped in to the air, spun around, and landed in a five star split. The crowd clapped like crazy; it took a full five minutes for Oceanus to calm them down. And when he did he didn't look pleased.

"Now I'll admit that those last two moves weren't to shabby but I think we all know who the real winner is, right?" Oceanus looked expectantly at the judges, all of who were whispering rapidly to each other.

"We have reached a decision." The one nearest to me said. "We feel that the winner used original moves and had a unique style in their moves and in their clothing. Therefore the winner is… Perseus Jackson!"


	5. Barbies, squirrels, and Walmart

When I arrived back at Camp Half-Blood, I was greeted by Annabeth. She ran up to me with a deformed looking doll in her hand. Her eyes had a wild and scary look in them and it looked like she hadn't been sleeping very much lately. "Do you think this looks like you? 'Cause I stayed up all night making it! I made it myself! Myself! It took me all night, cause I made it myself! See, I made a Percy Jackson Barbie doll! Isn't that great?! And, I made one of Clarisse, and Silena, and Chiron, and Grover, and Dionysus…" Annabeth's mouth was actually foaming a bit from talking so fast.

It was then that I was saved by, err…I mean, Grover and Chiron saw us and headed our way. "Annabeth dear, shouldn't you be in the Big House?" Chiron asked my friend. Then, he looked over at Grover and asked "Will you please explain things to Percy while I escort Annabeth back to the Big House?" The satyr nodded and as the activities director walked away with Annabeth in tow, Chiron said, "It's nice to see you made it back alive Percy."

Once the two had left, I gave my furry friend a confused look. "About a week ago Conner and Travis decided to play a prank on Annabeth. Travis would keep watch while his brother slipped a Lunacy Potion into her drink. He was only supposed to put five drops in to make her crazy for a couple of hours, but he slipped and the whole potion spilled into Annabeth's drink. She's been acting like a lunatic ever since."

As if to prove Grover's point, we heard, from inside the Big House Annabeth shrieking "HERE ARGUS! I MADE THIS FOR YOU! IT TOOK ME ALL NIGHT!"

"When will the potion where off?" I asked Grover, trying not too laugh. He was fighting back giggles as well as he said, "No one knows."

"So what happened to Travis and Conner?"

"Chiron was furious. He lectured them _forever_. So, as punishment, he's making them muck out the pegasi stables for a month and clean the Big House 'till it shines."

"Wow," I told Grover, "I sure am glad I'm not them."

Dinner that night was…interesting. Annabeth's potion finally wore off. She was pretty shocked to find herself doing the hokey-pokey on the Ares table. Her face turned bright red when Clarisse told what the Stolls did to her. Annabeth jumped off the table and ran after Conner and Travis, who had already fled the scene.

About an hour later Chiron called all the head counselors together. "It is time for Percy to hear the Great Prophecy." He began. He then handed me an old leather bag. I gingerly reached inside a pulled out an old scroll. I gently unrolled it and read: "Once upon a time, there lived a little squirrel named Hoppy. Hoppy loved to run around and pick flowers. But one day he fell into a vat of toxic waste. Somehow the little squirrel managed to climb out. But gone was the cute little animal, for in its place stood a monstrosity the size of a semi truck.

"Hoppy began to destroy the peaceful forest where he and his woodland friends had lived in perfect harmony with nature. He roasted the frogs and gobbled up the rabbits. He sold the other squirrels into slavery and killed all the birds. The rest he made into furniture, decorations, lawnmowers, laptops, and all the other affordable products at Wal-Mart. Hoppy had quite a profitable business. And so he lived happily ever after in his demolished forest getting fatter and richer every day."

Everyone looked just as confused as I was. "Ummm…. Percy? I don't think that's the Great Prophecy." Katie Gardner announced. "Oh… sorry." Michael Yew got up and grabbed the paper out of my hands. "That's my report on squirrels. I don't know how it got in there." We all stared at him.

"Okaaay. So I'm assuming that this must be the Great Prophecy?" I held up another folded paper that I had found in the leather sack. Chiron solemnly nodded his head. I unfolded it and started to read.


	6. I crush Michael's Dreams

**Sorry it's taken me so ling to update. Brain storming is harder than it looks. Well any who longer chapter next time! **

I went to bed that night tired and confused. Confused because the dinner that night had been steak instead of the promised tacos but mainly because of the Great Prophecy.

'In the sixteenth year of an Elder God's child

things will be rough and a little wild.

An old foe will arise

who can only be beat

by teamwork, food, and monstrous feet.

However a decision made by the child of the Big Three

Will decide the outcome, what will be.'

I know, confusing. I mean monstrous feet? How in the world are we supposed to find monstrous feet?! I know just go t K-Mart! Excuse me, K-Mart? Can you please direct me to where you keep your monstrous feet? I don't think so. And food? How are we going to defeat Kronos using _food_? The part about teamwork I can understand. But food and monstrous feet? I'm lost. All in all, it had been a totally weird and confusing day.

I woke up that day to the lovely sound of two people arguing. "I'm telling you he's real! All you have to do is believe!" "All I have to do is believe?! For the last time Michael, Hoppy is NOT REAL!" I stepped outside my cabin to see Katie Gardner arguing with Michael Yew.

As soon as she saw me Katie said, with exasperation creeping into her voice, "Percy, will you please tell Michael that there is no such thing as Hoppy the Killer Squirrel?"

"There is too!"

"Wait are you guys talking about that squirrel from you're report?" I directed my question at the child of Apollo, but it was both of them who answered. "YES!" "Umm… well…. Sorry Michael, but I'm going to have to agree with Katie on this. There is no Hoppy the Killer Squirrel."

"But…" He sounded so sad and desperate. I felt pretty bad for him. Just then Grover ran up to me and said breathlessly "Percy it's started. The invasion has begun."


	7. Food Fight!

**Sorry** **I haven't updated in while. Anyway, I hope you like it! :^)**

"So, are you all clear on the plan?" My question seemed to hang in the air surrounding us and the Empire State Building. (We got to the there as fast as we could. Our attack on Kronos was about to be launched.) Then Jake Mason answered it. "Yeah." This was followed by several more yeahs and yeses. "Good. LETS DO THIS!" All the other demigods cheered with me and we set off to put our plan into action.

A few minutes later

"Are you positive that Luke's allergic to tomatoes?" I asked Annabeth as she, Michael, and I crept through the eerily quiet city.** (A/N: The mortals are all asleep and the whole area is under Kronos's spell, like in the book.) **"Positive."

With that settled, I concentrated on the task at hand. "There!" I pointed to a store that sold Italian food. Our little group dashed inside and we loaded up on jars of tomato sauce, tomatoes, and anything made with the before-mentioned fruit. We started off trying to carry everything by hand, but then Michael had a brilliant idea- we could load all of the tomato stuff into the carts. We would have about ten times the amount we would have had if we had carried it!

When we joined back up with the main group, I divided the tomato products amongst the campers; five jars of tomato sauce, eight tomatoes, and seven tubes of tomato paste per person. When I was in the middle of telling the head counslers where to station their cabins, I noticed a eight huge carts filled with pastries. "What are those for?"

"Oh! There for throwing at Kronos and his army!" Abby Jeca, a girl from the Apollo cabin, piped up. "You didn't expect us to just sit here while you, Annabeth, and Michael went off, did you?"

"I expected you to defend Manhattan if Kronos showed up before we got back," was my reply. "Yeah, well, we got bored. And didn't the prophecy say something about defeating Kronos with food?" I didn't have time to say anything else because at that moment Kronos and his army marched into the city.

THWIP. Already a dozen arrows were headed are way. Lucky for us they all missed. I didn't have much time, the enemy armies were almost upon us, but yelled. "REMEMBER THE PLAN!" I think they heard me because over the next few hours Kronos had the contents of many tubes of tomato paste, tomatoes, and cans of tomato sauce dumped on him. The effect was glorious. Kronos may have been a titan, but he was still Luke's body and the latter was allergic tomatoes. Kronos broke out in ugly red welts all over his skin. I think I even saw the beginnings of a rash forming on his upper right arm.

However, Kronos wasn't the only one who got nailed with food. Everywhere I looked demigods were creaming the enemy with cream puffs, pummeling them with pies, or bashing them with blackberry tarts. Our odd form of attack took our attackers completely by surprise and they didn't know how to respond. That plus the fact that their leader had just passed out and was covered with boils oozing pus added up to them retreating.

As the last of Kronos's army vanished, we let out a whoop of joy. Michael even did a little happy dance. "We won! We won!" He was saying that dancing around on a circle. "Uh, Michael we haven't one yet." Annabeth told him. "Whatever, we still one this battle." With that said our friend from the Apollo cabin went back to his dance. I smiled; I knew how he felt. So far we were winning. But this was only the first battle.


End file.
